Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
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Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”