INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
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Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
These 3D printers are insane!
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised