I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
You Might Also Like
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds