[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
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*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Her: what are you into
Me: pokémon
Her: no i mean what’s your type?
Me: oh, fire
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.