I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
You Might Also Like
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
A woman drives into a bar.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me