I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
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I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Feels like the fourth month in January
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?