My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
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Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade