Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
You Might Also Like
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa