What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
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“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
This made me chuckle.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication