If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
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Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
A French press is when you hug naked
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Something Saturday.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Golf would be better with landmines.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.