I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
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Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
honestly, i need both:
When your best mate counts as a desk too
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.