Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
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Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.