Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
You Might Also Like
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.