I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
You Might Also Like
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.