Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
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If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT