Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
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The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to