How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
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Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.