It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
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I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Childbirth is so beautiful
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”