I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
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my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
“what that mouth do?” complain
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
I identify as an antique shop.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
The struggle is real.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.