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Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.