*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
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Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
beware of dog
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes