Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
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I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Life is a suicide mission.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what