While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
You Might Also Like
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Think I pulled my liver
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.