“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
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If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Me too, bag. Me too….
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?