FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
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I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.