I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
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Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
smh
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*