like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
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Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.