The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
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Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.