8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
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*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
*pokes sex life with a stick
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person: