[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
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Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY