[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
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when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Merry Christmas
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.