“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
You Might Also Like
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO