You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
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Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins