I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
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My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.