If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
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Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
Encore…
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.