At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
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Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
buys donuts instead
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.