[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
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Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
liiiiiiiiike
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”