[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
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When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Knock Knock
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries