my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
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Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Me trying to reach for my goals
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign