[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
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While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
LMAO.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?