Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
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Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
“TGIM!” – My liver
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
and this one
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off