The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
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we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Ken is short for chicken
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.