3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
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They say women only use 10% of their anger
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I bet
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa