me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
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i want the dreams to chase me for once
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building