I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
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Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*