Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
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Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.