Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
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Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
NASA has no chill
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks