I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
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I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon