Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
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Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Can’t stop laughing
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
and now we wait
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
is frankincense just very honest incense?
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.