15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
You Might Also Like
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
this is uni
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]